Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife… How Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, Make Friends and Eat People

Okay, so you’re dead.

The hard part is over.  You are no longer alone in the universe. You have finally joined everyone who has died before you. Everyone you left alive will eventually join you in this life beyond death.

No one can hurt you or at least in a way you will feel it. Heck, you can’t even be made to feel bad about your looks, your weight or even your breath.  You can finally eat what you want.

The next bit is going to be harder to except.  You didn’t make into heaven.  You don’t even know if there is a heaven.  You only know you aren’t there.  So what are you? 

Brace yourself.  This will be hard to take.

You are a Zombie.

We know you didn’t ask for this.  We know you are afraid you are going to eat people you cared about when you were alive. We share your concerns. We only know that you don’t know what’s next.  Bits of you feel all wrong.   It’s okay. We are here to help.

If you are with it enough to be reading this, you are probably asking "what now?"  Well you’ve come to the right place.  You’ve found a copy of “The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife… How Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, Make Friends and Eat People.”

Okay, maybe survive in the title is a bad word choice. You already died.  But if we teach nothing else, living humans want you dead, really dead.  Not just undead.   You will need to learn how to not get hacked into tiny pieces.

We’d tell you to take a deep breath before you plunge into the next chapter, but you guessed it, you don’t breath any more.  Think of it as one less thing for you to worry about.  Just turn page and get started.

Chapter One
How the Hell Did This Happen To Me?

As we mentioned in the introduction, you are dead.  You have questions.  We have answers.  We believe in being direct, so we are going to dive straight in and tackle the tough question.  Why you?

Yes, it’s sad.  You feel you didn’t deserve this kind of death.  You thought you were a nice person.  You may be justifying to yourself that you can’t be a zombie with thoughts like “I was a United Methodist Minister”, “I sponsored a kid in Africa for only 35 cents day” or even “I was only 5 years old”.

Guess what you did deserve this and you weren’t a nice person.  In fact, you probably were a world class jerk.  Does us telling you this make you feel better about being a Zombie?  



This brings us to fact #1.

FACT #1:  Anybody can become a Zombie! 

Zombie-ism can happen to anyone.  The virus doesn’t care who or what you were.  The virus only wanted you to die so that it could take over your body and make you eat other people so it can live on.  When the virus has killed everyone you knew, it will still want more.  It’s a virus.  Don’t spend too much time worrying about it.  It doesn’t worry about you or what you want. 

You are probably wondering, “How did I get this virus?  I am pretty sure I didn’t spend time with a Zombie.  I didn’t even know anyone with Zombie-ism.”

FACT #2:  You were bitten by a Zombie!

There you were, minding your own business and chomp.  A zombie bit you. 

Don’t be embarrassed, as we mention above, it can happen to anyone.  It happened to you.  It’s not like you were dumb enough to lay around a graveyard wearing an “Eat Me” t-shirt?*

No, Zombie-ism isn’t airborne.  You didn’t get it from a toilet seat.  You didn’t get it from making out with that guy dressed as a hobo at the Halloween party**.  You didn’t get from a blood transfusion.  They check for that kind of thing.

You were bitten.

*Okay, some people are that dumb.  We are sorry if it was you.
**Okay, you did if that guy dressed as a hobo was a Zombie and he bit you. We are sorry if it was you.

Most of the people who were bitten by Zombies in the early days of the plague were lying in hammocks.  Hammocks provide easy access for Zombies to docile living people.  Most people lying in hammocks tend to be relaxed, unarmed, outdoors and feel relatively safe.  Hammockers are easy prey for Zombies to snack upon. 

Think about it.  In a hammock you are typically asleep or in a near sleep state.  Zombies aren’t chatty and walk relatively silently.  It’s not like they spend time walking around talking into a Bluetooth.  You get no warning.

You might ask, “Don’t they have trouble with fences?”

Sure they have trouble with fences, but you wouldn’t believe how many people in hammocks weren’t fenced in until the Zombie Apocalypse really took off in earnest.  Fences don’t help that much either. So remember, people in hammocks are easy prey***.

“Hey, aren’t you trying to tell us how we got bitten?” you might ask as a reminder.

We didn’t bite you****, so we don’t know the specifics.

Here some things we do know. 

Fact #3:  You were unarmed.
If you were armed, you would not have been at risk.  An average baby can crawl away from a Zombie before it catches them. The total lack of Zombie speed has been officially recorded in several highly regarded journal articles written by expert scientists. Several even worked for the Center for Disease Control (CDC).  Yes, both Zombies and Scientists worked for the CDC.

Point is Zombies are slow. So, as an abled bodied adult you should have been able to push even the quickest Zombie away with your hand and walk away.   You failed at that.  You were bitten.

You dare protest with “…but I slept with a gun under my pillow?”

We hear this one all the time.  If you are asleep, you can’t defend yourself.   Your gun may as well have been a TV remote when the zombie found you.  You got bit.  You would have been better off having a baby guard you.  It could have cried and crawled way to safety. 

***This is your first snacking tip.  See Chapter Ten: Zombie Snacking Tips and Meals That are More Than a Mouth Full.
****Both authors were alive at the time of publication.  If you were bitten after this book was published all bets are off.  We could have been the Zombie(s) that bit you. We are sorry if it was us that bit you.

Were you alive, you might feel shame over getting bitten.  Thankfully you are dead.  As a Zombie, you can let go of small things like shame.  Think of it as personal growth.  It’s not true, but think about it that way.

By this point you probably have been reading for a couple of minutes.  You are probably starting get hungry.  So now you are wondering, “What’s up with the constant craving for human flesh, especially the human brain?”

Fact #4: Humans are delicious.

Most living people will not agree with this point, but they aren’t your target audience for the consumption of human flesh.   So who is?

The answer is simple: Viruses, Germs, Pests and the Undead love to feed on human flesh.   The Human body is full of proteins and complex nutrients that will keep them alive for a long time. Plus, these disease vectors can plant their offspring in the Human Body and grow more of themselves. 

Add in the fact that humans are everywhere and you have the world’s first species custom built for Zombie-ism.  Why chase a squirrel up a tree when you can eat the person lying in a hammock between it and the next tree? 

Humans are everywhere.  Humans are even available in snack packs!  Don’t believe us then think back to your last flesh feast.   The people you caught probably weren’t riding on a motorcycle at high speed on an open highway, they were compressed out of fear into a very tight space.   You probably surprised them by popping out of an elevator shaft in a dark building or grabbing them from beneath a bed while your Zombie buddies snacked on the stragglers from their party while they  were out looking for food and supplies.

Fact #5:  Humans will huddle together in bunches or snack packs.


I started goofing around with this idea.  Thought I'd share.

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