The hard part is over.
You are no longer alone in the universe. You have finally joined
everyone who has died before you. Everyone you left alive will eventually join
you in this life beyond death.
No one can hurt you or at least in a way you will feel it.
Heck, you can’t even be made to feel bad about your looks, your weight or even
your breath. You can finally eat what
The next bit is going to be harder to except. You didn’t make into heaven. You don’t even know if there is a
heaven. You only know you aren’t
there. So what are you?
Brace yourself. This
will be hard to take.
We know you didn’t ask for this. We know you are afraid you are going to eat
people you cared about when you were alive. We share your concerns. We only
know that you don’t know what’s next.
Bits of you feel all wrong. It’s
okay. We are here to help.
If you are with it enough to be reading this, you are
probably asking "what now?" Well you’ve
come to the right place. You’ve found a
copy of “The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife… How
Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, Make Friends and Eat People.”
Okay, maybe survive in the title is a bad word choice. You already
died. But if we teach nothing else,
living humans want you dead, really dead.
Not just undead. You will need
to learn how to not get hacked into tiny pieces.
We’d tell you to take a deep breath before you plunge into
the next chapter, but you guessed it, you don’t breath any more. Think of it as one less thing for you to
worry about. Just turn page and get
How the Hell Did This Happen To Me?
As we mentioned in the introduction, you are dead. You have questions. We have answers. We believe in being direct, so we are going
to dive straight in and tackle the tough question. Why you?
Yes, it’s sad. You
feel you didn’t deserve this kind of death. You
thought you were a nice person. You may
be justifying to yourself that you can’t be a zombie with thoughts like “I was
a United Methodist Minister”, “I sponsored a kid in Africa for only 35 cents
day” or even “I was only 5 years old”.
Guess what you did deserve this and you weren’t a nice
person. In fact, you probably were a world class jerk. Does us telling you this make you
feel better about being a Zombie?
This brings us to fact #1.
FACT #1: Anybody can become a Zombie!
Zombie-ism can happen to anyone. The virus doesn’t care who or what you
were. The virus only wanted you to die
so that it could take over your body and make you eat other people so it can
live on. When the virus has killed
everyone you knew, it will still want more.
It’s a virus. Don’t spend too
much time worrying about it. It doesn’t
worry about you or what you want.
You are probably wondering, “How did I get this virus? I am pretty sure I didn’t spend time with a
Zombie. I didn’t even know anyone with
FACT #2: You were bitten by a Zombie!
There you were, minding your own business and chomp. A zombie bit you.
Don’t be embarrassed, as we mention above, it can happen to
anyone. It happened to you. It’s not like you were dumb enough to lay
around a graveyard wearing an “Eat Me” t-shirt?*
No, Zombie-ism isn’t airborne. You didn’t get it from a toilet seat. You didn’t get it from making out with that
guy dressed as a hobo at the Halloween party**.
You didn’t get from a blood transfusion.
They check for that kind of thing.
*Okay, some people are that dumb. We are sorry if it was you.
**Okay, you did if that guy dressed as a hobo was a Zombie
and he bit you. We are sorry if it was you.
Most of the people who were bitten by Zombies in the early
days of the plague were lying in hammocks.
Hammocks provide easy access for Zombies to docile living people. Most people lying in hammocks tend to be relaxed,
unarmed, outdoors and feel relatively safe.
Hammockers are easy prey for Zombies to snack upon.
Think about it. In a
hammock you are typically asleep or in a near sleep state. Zombies aren’t chatty and walk relatively
silently. It’s not like they spend time
walking around talking into a Bluetooth. You get no warning.
You might ask, “Don’t they have trouble with fences?”
Sure they have trouble with fences, but you wouldn’t believe
how many people in hammocks weren’t fenced in until the Zombie Apocalypse really
took off in earnest. Fences don’t help
that much either. So remember, people in hammocks are easy prey***.
“Hey, aren’t you trying to tell us how we got bitten?” you
might ask as a reminder.
We didn’t bite you****, so we don’t know the specifics.
Here some things we do know.
Fact #3: You were unarmed.
If you were armed, you would not have been at risk. An average baby can crawl away from a Zombie
before it catches them. The total lack of Zombie speed has been officially
recorded in several highly regarded journal articles written by expert
scientists. Several even worked for the Center for Disease Control (CDC). Yes, both Zombies and Scientists worked for
Point is Zombies are slow. So, as an abled bodied adult you
should have been able to push even the quickest Zombie away with your hand and walk
away. You failed at that. You were bitten.
You dare protest with “…but I slept with a gun under my
We hear this one all the time. If you are asleep, you can’t defend
yourself. Your gun may as well have
been a TV remote when the zombie found you.
You got bit. You would have been
better off having a baby guard you. It
could have cried and crawled way to safety.
***This is your first snacking tip. See Chapter Ten: Zombie Snacking Tips and
Meals That are More Than a Mouth Full.
****Both authors were alive at the time of publication. If you were bitten after this book was
published all bets are off. We could
have been the Zombie(s) that bit you. We are sorry if it was us that bit you.
Were you alive, you might feel shame over getting bitten. Thankfully you are dead. As a Zombie, you can let go of small things
like shame. Think of it as personal
growth. It’s not true, but think about
it that way.
By this point you probably have been reading for a couple of
minutes. You are probably starting get
hungry. So now you are wondering,
“What’s up with the constant craving for human flesh, especially the human
Fact #4: Humans are
Most living people will not agree with this point, but they
aren’t your target audience for the consumption of human flesh. So who is?
The answer is simple: Viruses, Germs, Pests and the Undead
love to feed on human flesh. The Human
body is full of proteins and complex nutrients that will keep them alive for a
long time. Plus, these disease vectors can plant their offspring in the Human Body and grow
more of themselves.
Add in the fact that humans are everywhere and you have the
world’s first species custom built for Zombie-ism. Why chase a squirrel up a tree when you can
eat the person lying in a hammock between it and the next tree?
Humans are everywhere.
Humans are even available in snack packs! Don’t believe us then think back to your last
flesh feast. The people you caught
probably weren’t riding on a motorcycle at high speed on an open highway, they
were compressed out of fear into a very tight space. You probably surprised them by popping out
of an elevator shaft in a dark building or grabbing them from beneath a bed
while your Zombie buddies snacked on the stragglers from their party while they were out looking for food and supplies.
Fact #5: Humans will huddle together in bunches or snack packs.
I started goofing around with this idea. Thought I'd share.