Pages

Saturday, July 7, 2012

A List of Books I Will Never Write

The following is a list of 12 books I will never write:
  1. Dent - A series of life impression essays from the perspective a dent in a Silver 2006 Ford Escape Hybrid.
  2. I May Be Dumb, But I Am Not Stupid - Biography
  3. Magic Hour - The story of the Great Depressini, a magician whose tragic romantic life taints his 1 hour cable access magic program.  Watch as hope disappears.
  4. Couch -  The story of Gary, a couch potato, who loves to taunt family members into fighting each other for money so he can watch.
  5. Cargo Shorts - A series of short stories about about things that are transported from one place to another, as Cargo.
  6. Mug - Think you have it rough? Watch as Larry the Coffee Mug tries to get a handle on modern living.
  7. Preliminary Results - When bad news arrives decisions are made.  Can things be made right?  Or will we have to wait for the final results?
  8. Bubble - Can you talk and make a bubble with your mouth at the same time?  Find out what life is like when all you can do is listen.
  9. Honey Do - Tom Lexington didn't have many goals in life.  His wife Maggie does. What will Tom do? Whatever Maggie wants.  That is until it kills him.
  10. Death Salad - When a bag salad company distributes their product it begins to kill people.  Meat might be murder, but this salad is genocide.
  11. Carver - Hans' only skill in life is carving the Thanksgiving turkey to perfection.  Hans' family is about to go vegan.  What will Hans carve now?
  12. Sprinkle Pool - Terry Tyson loves ice cream with sprinkles.  When she wins $10,000,000 will she take her obsession to far?  Find out if life comes with a cherry on top in this snacking adventure.
I'd love to hear about things you will never write.  I like some of these enough I might write them anyway.  

I like a good list.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife - Chapter Two


Dabbled some more.  Here is a little more.  Come back soon for Chapter Three: Zombie Hunters Are Bad People.

Chapter Two
What the Hell Do I Do Now?

So we just covered how you became a Zombie and some of the snacking basics, now what?

Now that you are undead, there are still 24 hours in a standard Earth Day*.  You still have to fill those 24 hours with activities.  Being undead you no longer need to rest and when you do you tend to stay at rest until your next meal or snack comes long, so you have time to kill.  So far, until you got your hands on this tome, you have acted on instinct and not been chopped into bits or had your brain smashed in by humans who wish to stay human.

What’s next?  How about some shambling?

Fact #6:  Most of your time as a Zombie will be spent shambling.

Whether you were shy or bold in everyday life, now that you are a Zombie you will spend copious amounts of your shambling from point to point.  You might not even have a destination, but you will shamble.  You can shamble for the sake of shambling.

Gone are the days of doing.  You no long need to work for a living, shop (both for pleasure and out of necessity), recreate, or even socialize. You take time out for things that really matter.  No not family or friends.  Nope, not exercise. Its not cardio, you don't have the same biology as before.  Your heart is dead. All of these things are meaningless.  The only need to worry about your next meal.

Heck you don't even need clothes.  So if that's your bag, get naked.  Or grab some comfy shoes and shamble on towards your next meal.

Your existence focuses on shambling and eating.   You can go wherever you want and eat anything.  Which brings us to fact #7...

Fact #7:  You can eat anything you want.

You have a new diet and everything is on it.  Eat whatever you want.

Okay, let’s be honest you no longer have wants in the traditional sense.  You instinctual compulsions are fueled by a virus that wants to replicate in living flesh.   It’s a minor distinction. You want to bite stuff.

During your hunt for flesh you notice that things that used to cost you a lot of money are now just left out in the open.  Let’s say you shamble into a Chili’s Restaurant, or other chain restaurant, during the dinner rush the first thing you will note is that all the living people leave.  They often leave so quickly they don’t notice or remember that they are leaving you with tons of uneaten Chicken Wings, Fajitas and Soups of Day.  All are free to eat any or all of it free of charge.

We recommend you pick something you would have eaten were you alive, consume it and leave.  Places that people flee from, especially those with Zombies tend to attract Zombie Hunters.   Zombie Hunters are bad people.  You want to be long gone when they arrive.  You’ll find out more about them in Chapter Three: Zombie Hunters Are Bad People.

*Yes, we are aware there are sight variances in the length of the day.  Thank you.

We would love to tell you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight.  So let’s get to it. You can eat and not gain weight.  Apparently, despite your death, you can still digest food.   Zombies continue to eat, move and shamble relentlessly. You will need to keep fueled up.  Especially since in many spots humans populations have thinned out in numbers, you might go longer periods of time between living flesh.  It’s important to keep fueled.  So eat, even if you can’t catch a person.

And for God’s sake, hydrate.

Fact 8: Zombie’s Need to Hydrate.

While you are now for most purposes an automaton, you still need to drink water.
Look around you and you will see that many of your compatriots are looking leathery and all dried out.  This is because the virus doesn’t know to tell your dead brain it that it needs water.  Thirst seems to escape its needs.  You won't die with out water (you are already dead), but your Zombie existence will suck even more without water.

Okay, so you are shambling and eating, now what?

In the chapters ahead we will explore what's next.  So grab a bottle of water and read on.  You will learn how to survive, if survive is what you can call what comes next.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife… How Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, Make Friends and Eat People


Okay, so you’re dead.

The hard part is over.  You are no longer alone in the universe. You have finally joined everyone who has died before you. Everyone you left alive will eventually join you in this life beyond death.

No one can hurt you or at least in a way you will feel it. Heck, you can’t even be made to feel bad about your looks, your weight or even your breath.  You can finally eat what you want.

The next bit is going to be harder to except.  You didn’t make into heaven.  You don’t even know if there is a heaven.  You only know you aren’t there.  So what are you? 

Brace yourself.  This will be hard to take.

You are a Zombie.

We know you didn’t ask for this.  We know you are afraid you are going to eat people you cared about when you were alive. We share your concerns. We only know that you don’t know what’s next.  Bits of you feel all wrong.   It’s okay. We are here to help.

If you are with it enough to be reading this, you are probably asking "what now?"  Well you’ve come to the right place.  You’ve found a copy of “The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife… How Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, Make Friends and Eat People.”

Okay, maybe survive in the title is a bad word choice. You already died.  But if we teach nothing else, living humans want you dead, really dead.  Not just undead.   You will need to learn how to not get hacked into tiny pieces.

We’d tell you to take a deep breath before you plunge into the next chapter, but you guessed it, you don’t breath any more.  Think of it as one less thing for you to worry about.  Just turn page and get started.



Chapter One
How the Hell Did This Happen To Me?

As we mentioned in the introduction, you are dead.  You have questions.  We have answers.  We believe in being direct, so we are going to dive straight in and tackle the tough question.  Why you?

Yes, it’s sad.  You feel you didn’t deserve this kind of death.  You thought you were a nice person.  You may be justifying to yourself that you can’t be a zombie with thoughts like “I was a United Methodist Minister”, “I sponsored a kid in Africa for only 35 cents day” or even “I was only 5 years old”.

Guess what you did deserve this and you weren’t a nice person.  In fact, you probably were a world class jerk.  Does us telling you this make you feel better about being a Zombie?  

No.  

Sorry.

This brings us to fact #1.

FACT #1:  Anybody can become a Zombie! 

Zombie-ism can happen to anyone.  The virus doesn’t care who or what you were.  The virus only wanted you to die so that it could take over your body and make you eat other people so it can live on.  When the virus has killed everyone you knew, it will still want more.  It’s a virus.  Don’t spend too much time worrying about it.  It doesn’t worry about you or what you want. 

You are probably wondering, “How did I get this virus?  I am pretty sure I didn’t spend time with a Zombie.  I didn’t even know anyone with Zombie-ism.”

FACT #2:  You were bitten by a Zombie!

There you were, minding your own business and chomp.  A zombie bit you. 

Don’t be embarrassed, as we mention above, it can happen to anyone.  It happened to you.  It’s not like you were dumb enough to lay around a graveyard wearing an “Eat Me” t-shirt?*

No, Zombie-ism isn’t airborne.  You didn’t get it from a toilet seat.  You didn’t get it from making out with that guy dressed as a hobo at the Halloween party**.  You didn’t get from a blood transfusion.  They check for that kind of thing.

You were bitten.

*Okay, some people are that dumb.  We are sorry if it was you.
**Okay, you did if that guy dressed as a hobo was a Zombie and he bit you. We are sorry if it was you.

Most of the people who were bitten by Zombies in the early days of the plague were lying in hammocks.  Hammocks provide easy access for Zombies to docile living people.  Most people lying in hammocks tend to be relaxed, unarmed, outdoors and feel relatively safe.  Hammockers are easy prey for Zombies to snack upon. 

Think about it.  In a hammock you are typically asleep or in a near sleep state.  Zombies aren’t chatty and walk relatively silently.  It’s not like they spend time walking around talking into a Bluetooth.  You get no warning.

You might ask, “Don’t they have trouble with fences?”

Sure they have trouble with fences, but you wouldn’t believe how many people in hammocks weren’t fenced in until the Zombie Apocalypse really took off in earnest.  Fences don’t help that much either. So remember, people in hammocks are easy prey***.

“Hey, aren’t you trying to tell us how we got bitten?” you might ask as a reminder.

We didn’t bite you****, so we don’t know the specifics.

Here some things we do know. 

Fact #3:  You were unarmed.
 
If you were armed, you would not have been at risk.  An average baby can crawl away from a Zombie before it catches them. The total lack of Zombie speed has been officially recorded in several highly regarded journal articles written by expert scientists. Several even worked for the Center for Disease Control (CDC).  Yes, both Zombies and Scientists worked for the CDC.

Point is Zombies are slow. So, as an abled bodied adult you should have been able to push even the quickest Zombie away with your hand and walk away.   You failed at that.  You were bitten.

You dare protest with “…but I slept with a gun under my pillow?”

We hear this one all the time.  If you are asleep, you can’t defend yourself.   Your gun may as well have been a TV remote when the zombie found you.  You got bit.  You would have been better off having a baby guard you.  It could have cried and crawled way to safety. 

***This is your first snacking tip.  See Chapter Ten: Zombie Snacking Tips and Meals That are More Than a Mouth Full.
****Both authors were alive at the time of publication.  If you were bitten after this book was published all bets are off.  We could have been the Zombie(s) that bit you. We are sorry if it was us that bit you.

Were you alive, you might feel shame over getting bitten.  Thankfully you are dead.  As a Zombie, you can let go of small things like shame.  Think of it as personal growth.  It’s not true, but think about it that way.

By this point you probably have been reading for a couple of minutes.  You are probably starting get hungry.  So now you are wondering, “What’s up with the constant craving for human flesh, especially the human brain?”

Fact #4: Humans are delicious.

Most living people will not agree with this point, but they aren’t your target audience for the consumption of human flesh.   So who is?

The answer is simple: Viruses, Germs, Pests and the Undead love to feed on human flesh.   The Human body is full of proteins and complex nutrients that will keep them alive for a long time. Plus, these disease vectors can plant their offspring in the Human Body and grow more of themselves. 

Add in the fact that humans are everywhere and you have the world’s first species custom built for Zombie-ism.  Why chase a squirrel up a tree when you can eat the person lying in a hammock between it and the next tree? 

Humans are everywhere.  Humans are even available in snack packs!  Don’t believe us then think back to your last flesh feast.   The people you caught probably weren’t riding on a motorcycle at high speed on an open highway, they were compressed out of fear into a very tight space.   You probably surprised them by popping out of an elevator shaft in a dark building or grabbing them from beneath a bed while your Zombie buddies snacked on the stragglers from their party while they  were out looking for food and supplies.

Fact #5:  Humans will huddle together in bunches or snack packs.


****************************

I started goofing around with this idea.  Thought I'd share.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Sailboats and Sand Buckets

As I sit here, I think back on how I got here. I remember frolicking in the mist of the ocean water, wearing only my blue-green swim trunks which had a sailboat embroidered on them.  As I worked my way further and further away from shore, I could hear someone shouting, "Hey, come back you're going out too deep."  I didn't listen.  Within a minute or two I noticed a man swimming towards me. He said to me, "Hey big guy, you went out too far. Why don't you play in the sand like the other kids?" With a pat on the back, he sent me on my way.

That man had a great power.  He controlled the beach. While sitting on my towel, thinking about why I couldn't go out as far as I wanted to, I found myself watching him.  He and his confederates kept a crowd of bathers safe from the dangers which lurk in the deeper water. They controlled this haven of vacationing bliss from a throne and ruled by the power invested unto them by that seat which was clearly marked Lifeguard.


I can remember asking myself, as well as some of the other kids, how these brave men had come to carry this great honor of protectors of the beach.  Did they rule by divine right? Were they servants to the King of the Sea, the Knights of Water Safety?  I thought that maybe they were the holy keepers of the personal floatation devices.

Upon returning each year to the beach, I grew in age and in strength.  I learned that I should seek out the Red Cross, if I was to gain the knowledge and power to rule for the beach as did those noble men who held the might title of lifeguard.  Once I found the Red Cross, I was trained in the skills of the beach, and tested for valor and integrity in my work.  After many months of hard labor and testing, a representative of the Red Cross bestowed on me the honor of Certified Water Safety Instructor and Surfguard.

Having obtained the proper titles and certificates, I was quickly assigned to a territory over which a fellow brother guard and I were to keep watch by day.  We were relived relugarly to up our stamina and morale. Our duties involved no more than protecting the citizens from danger and providing necessary aid to those who needed it.

As I take my place each day next to my brother-in-arms, I am all too aware of the honor and magnitude of my position in the recreational water safety power elite.

By the way, my swim trunks still have a sailboat on them.