Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Zombie Guide for Getting Through the Afterlife - Chapter Two

Dabbled some more.  Here is a little more.  Come back soon for Chapter Three: Zombie Hunters Are Bad People.

Chapter Two
What the Hell Do I Do Now?

So we just covered how you became a Zombie and some of the snacking basics, now what?

Now that you are undead, there are still 24 hours in a standard Earth Day*.  You still have to fill those 24 hours with activities.  Being undead you no longer need to rest and when you do you tend to stay at rest until your next meal or snack comes long, so you have time to kill.  So far, until you got your hands on this tome, you have acted on instinct and not been chopped into bits or had your brain smashed in by humans who wish to stay human.

What’s next?  How about some shambling?

Fact #6:  Most of your time as a Zombie will be spent shambling.

Whether you were shy or bold in everyday life, now that you are a Zombie you will spend copious amounts of your shambling from point to point.  You might not even have a destination, but you will shamble.  You can shamble for the sake of shambling.

Gone are the days of doing.  You no long need to work for a living, shop (both for pleasure and out of necessity), recreate, or even socialize. You take time out for things that really matter.  No not family or friends.  Nope, not exercise. Its not cardio, you don't have the same biology as before.  Your heart is dead. All of these things are meaningless.  The only need to worry about your next meal.

Heck you don't even need clothes.  So if that's your bag, get naked.  Or grab some comfy shoes and shamble on towards your next meal.

Your existence focuses on shambling and eating.   You can go wherever you want and eat anything.  Which brings us to fact #7...

Fact #7:  You can eat anything you want.

You have a new diet and everything is on it.  Eat whatever you want.

Okay, let’s be honest you no longer have wants in the traditional sense.  You instinctual compulsions are fueled by a virus that wants to replicate in living flesh.   It’s a minor distinction. You want to bite stuff.

During your hunt for flesh you notice that things that used to cost you a lot of money are now just left out in the open.  Let’s say you shamble into a Chili’s Restaurant, or other chain restaurant, during the dinner rush the first thing you will note is that all the living people leave.  They often leave so quickly they don’t notice or remember that they are leaving you with tons of uneaten Chicken Wings, Fajitas and Soups of Day.  All are free to eat any or all of it free of charge.

We recommend you pick something you would have eaten were you alive, consume it and leave.  Places that people flee from, especially those with Zombies tend to attract Zombie Hunters.   Zombie Hunters are bad people.  You want to be long gone when they arrive.  You’ll find out more about them in Chapter Three: Zombie Hunters Are Bad People.

*Yes, we are aware there are sight variances in the length of the day.  Thank you.

We would love to tell you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight.  So let’s get to it. You can eat and not gain weight.  Apparently, despite your death, you can still digest food.   Zombies continue to eat, move and shamble relentlessly. You will need to keep fueled up.  Especially since in many spots humans populations have thinned out in numbers, you might go longer periods of time between living flesh.  It’s important to keep fueled.  So eat, even if you can’t catch a person.

And for God’s sake, hydrate.

Fact 8: Zombie’s Need to Hydrate.

While you are now for most purposes an automaton, you still need to drink water.
Look around you and you will see that many of your compatriots are looking leathery and all dried out.  This is because the virus doesn’t know to tell your dead brain it that it needs water.  Thirst seems to escape its needs.  You won't die with out water (you are already dead), but your Zombie existence will suck even more without water.

Okay, so you are shambling and eating, now what?

In the chapters ahead we will explore what's next.  So grab a bottle of water and read on.  You will learn how to survive, if survive is what you can call what comes next.

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